Writing About Me

On my school days, I have an hour and a half between my classes. Yesterday, I took some time to start writing out a biography for the website. It’s been something that’s been on my mind for a while, getting this website into tip-top shape, and having something about my history, my past, seemed like it was important.

I got about a page and a half, handwritten (I don’t take my computer to school!) before I just got frustrated with it. Even though I managed to sum up some of my past pretty well, it felt like I was leaving things out. Not out of negligence or a desire to hide things per se, but because they didn’t fit neatly into the story I was telling. I could just imagine people coming up to me, pulling the page up and shaking their fingers in accusation: “What about this? What about that?”

Frustrated, I’ve put the bio aside for now. One day I will get back to writing something about myself. It’s a difficult task, mostly because my depression has done such a good job of shaping the way I look at myself and my life.

But it’s also helped me really develop an appreciation for people who write memoirs. Trying to wrangle your life into a pretty little narrative is no simple task. I think I’ll stick with fiction.

On Anxiety and Performing

I was talking to somebody earlier, who had trouble believing that I have anxiety because I’m able to act and perform on stage. Other than normal stage fright, I’m just fine in front of a crowd. My anxiety is a bit more insidious than that. I’ve always had this anxiety, but it’s become more pronounced since the Black Hole years.
I feel anxious when I have to initiate conversations. When I have to ask for things. When I’m around groups of people who have known each other for a long time, and are already their own little unit. I feel anxious sending friend requests on Facebook. I feel anxious making phone calls. I feel anxious when I’m the first person to text.
I get so hung up about bothering people, about crossing the line, that I don’t even step up to it. I bite back compliments and kind words. I hold back insight and banter. I second-guess saying “hello” to other people. I feel stupid when I say nice things. I replay and reanalyze everything.
That is an aspect of my monster: when I’m on stage, people are expecting me to speak and do things. I don’t worry about butting into their lives; they chose to be here. I don’t have that knowledge in real-life interactions. So most of the time, I assume the negative and go on with my life.

It’s 2:30 AM, and I’m thinking about love.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the first lines of novels, and I just started re-reading (well, re-listening to, as it’s on audio) one of my very favorites, and the opening line just hit me like a ton of bricks:

“Every airplane, no matter how far it is up there, I send love to it.*”

I wish I had love like that. I wish that loving people like that wasn’t a drain on me. I just wish that my capacity to love would keep refilling. I feel dry. I feel tapped out. And the thought of loving other people, really showing love, exhausts me.

The goodness in me is wearing down. This has been happening since the black hole years. I diminish.

Yes, I’m rereading A.S. King’s ASK THE PASSENGERS. If you haven’t read it, you should.

#PimpMyBio — Zach talks about Himself

me now

Me, circa last week.

Hi, my name is Zach. I’ve been hesitating about doing this for a while, but I’m going to put myself forward as a PitchWars mentee this year!

Thank you to Lana for hosting the #PimpMyBio this year, for more info and bios, you can check it out here!

About Me:

I’m 25, I’m fat, and I’m fabulous.

Okay, that’s taking it just a little too far.

I live in the Southern California high desert after two years of living in Carson City and Reno, Nevada. I’m originally from Whittier, California, though, so it’s kind of like coming home without coming back home. I have been writing since I was in middle school, with a brief detour during the end of my high school career when I became enamored with theatre. It was only in my post-high school years, after a lot of struggling, that I realized that I was asexual, and maybe aromantic? Still struggling with that one, for sure, but it seems like it.

As I write exclusively YA, I’m a member of SCBWI. I’m a query intern for Pam Howell at D4EO Literary, and a virtual assistant to author Shaunta Grimes.



Ev’ry five and a half minutes the universe expands four miles
and ev’ry time I blink another child enters the world,
the world has six and a half billion people this year.
There are eight million people in this city, on this island,
but right here, right now, SOMEHOW, YOU’RE SITTING HERE.
— Kait Kerrigan and Brian Lowdermilk

While some might think that moving from backwoods Arkansas to a Southern California beach town would offer the chance for a fresh start, sixteen year-old Rachel Cole knows better. As the daughter of a Southern Baptist preacher, Rachel knows the rules: keep your head down, be quiet, and smile. It’s the perfect recipe for a boring, drama-free sophomore year at Skinner Magnet School for the Arts.

Except things aren’t quite as boring as Rachel expects. After a disastrous first date with a deacon’s son, she escapes into the world of high school theatre. She scores a leading role in the spring musical, no small feat for someone who’s never tread the boards before. Under the guidance of her new friends Cass and Jenna, Rachel begins to find her voice and question the rules that have kept her quiet for so long.

And when Cass kisses her under the stage lights, a kiss that definitely wasn’t in the script, Rachel is forced to choose: the crazy, passionate girl who loves her, or her faith and family?


me and mariah and saraya

Mariah, Me, and Saraya, circa 2012.

SOMEHOW YOU’RE SITTING HERE is my first novel, one that is very near and dear to my heart. The idea has grown over the last six years, the story of (at first) two best friends devastated by a tragic accident, to a love-story trilogy that marked the beginning, middle, and end of a relationship, quelle jeune supernova, to the story in its current shape: a duology that tells the story of how high school theatre brought two girls together, overcame a whole lotta ugly, and let them live happily ever after.

I was accepted in the 2015-16 Nevada SCBWI Mentor Program, and had the opportunity to work with the amazing Heather W. Petty (Lock and Mori, S&S BFYR ’15). Working with Heather turned my contemporary YA from a 104k word disaster into a much better 83k, that got down to 78k before I started querying it. While I started getting some excellent feedback (and a whole lot of form Rs), it became obvious to me that I needed some more work, and had absolutely no idea on where to start, except that I shouldn’t tear the whole thing apart.

Comp Titles:

After a lot of trial and error (believe me: my first comp ideas — and I actually pitched an agent in-person with this, a long time ago — was “Sarah Dessen does Glee.”) I think I’ve decided on a comp title that speaks to what I’m trying to do with my novel:

The religious strictures of Jeff Zentner’s THE SERPENT KING meet the tentative, turbulent romance of Huntley Fitzpatrick’s MY LIFE NEXT DOOR. 

Why you should choose me:

I’ve worked my butt off on this novel, and I’ve been passionate, since I’ve started writing it in 2010. This is the work that made me seriously plant my ass in a chair on August 1, 2013, and decide that I was going to write EVERY DAY until it was done. I’m not going to pretend that I’ve been perfect about the every day part, but I finished this book.

I see the value in critique and I’m able to take it. One of my very first experiences with the writing world was on my high school’s newspaper. I remember when I first started writing, how I had to go through rounds and rounds of edits, pages soaked in red –except our copy editor my Freshman year, who used hot purple! — getting a story just right. By my senior year, I wrote one draft, and only had a few changes suggested before laying it out — and spent my time editing new staffers in turn. Same idea with learning how to write a novel except  . . . wow, that’s a lot of column inches.

This story has been shouting at me for a long time, and I think it belongs with the world. While some might decry it as just another coming out story, I think there is something special about it. Maybe that’s just a wannabe debut novelist bullshitting himself, but I don’t think so. I think there’s something worth fighting for. And I’m usually able to sniff out a lost cause.

Favorite Books (in no order):

Me as Capt. Brackett in SOUTH PACIFIC, circa 2009.

Me as Capt. Brackett in SOUTH PACIFIC, circa 2009.

  • Looking for Alaska by John Green
  • Staying Fat for Sarah Byrnes by Chris Crutcher
  • Identical by Ellen Hopkins
  • Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson
  • Revenants trilogy by Amy Plum
  • Happy Accidents by Jane Lynch
  • The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer
  • The Serpent King by Jeff Zentner
  • Glory O’Brien’s History of the Future by A.S. King
  • The First Time She Drowned by Kerry Kletter
  • All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven
  • Vampire Academy / Bloodlines series by Richelle Mead
  • House of Night series by P.C. Cast

Favorite Musicals (in no order):

  • Next to Normal
  • Hamilton
  • Beautiful: The Carole King Musical
  • Bare
  • The Unauthorized Autobiography of Samantha Brown
  • Legally Blonde
  • Waitress
  • A Man of No Importance

ham sheets

Dream Roles:

  • Edna Turnblad in Hairspray
  • Alfie Byrne in A Man of No Importance
  • Drs. Madden / Fine in Next to Normal

Currently Reading:

Holding Up the Universe by Jennifer Niven

Our director Ed got us cake and pizza to celebrate . . . something. We're still in rehearsal! Current show:

PETER AND THE STARCATCHER at Victor Valley College, Victorville CA.
Performing the first two weekends of August!

Current WIP:

The Cannula Girls



Musical Theatre Friday: THE JOURNEY

Musical Theatre Friday is a creation of my theatre aunt, Janet Miller. She still maintains the tradition, exposing me to a lot of older stuff that expanding my musical education by leaps and bounds. But I thought I’d set up a little space to share some of my favorites here.

This Friday’s pick:


written and performed by
Kait Kerrigan & Brian Lowdermilk

Can she follow her dream like her mother?
She is more determined than any other.
Is it enough? Will she believe? Can I believe?
If it’s up to me, and in time you’ll see
each turn, each step, each fall, it’s all

Just a proviso: if you stick around here long enough, you’ll eventually get to know the Kerrigan-Lowdermilk catalogue back and front. That’s just the kind of music they write, and it resonates with me. But last winter, they released a song that was especially resonant.

This song just gets me on a number of levels. Even if it’s from a (forthcoming) musical that doesn’t seem like it would resonate with me — sisters in communist China — the song is just gorgeous, evocative, and universal.

This song gets me through the hard times. This song encourages me to keep going when I don’t want to. This song reminds me that every failure, every mis-step, every screw up is just a part of this journey.

At the end of this recording, when Kait talks about hormones? Yeah, that’s where I usually start tearing up, too. Except I don’t have the same excuse.

So, what are your favorite songs from a musical? Go ahead and share in the comments, I can’t wait to listen! 

So I was in the hospital for a few days.

I hesitate to say that it wasn’t too serious, but it kind of was: I went in because I had swelling in one ankle, so bad that I couldn’t walk on it. While I was in the ER, they flagged my high blood pressure and low SpO2, and had me admitted.

While there were some worries about the ankle being a DVT, it turned out that it was cellulitis, and a good blast of antibiotics took care of that. The blood pressure was a bit more difficult, but we got that under control with a roundup of medications. The issues with my breathing and my blood oxygen, however … weren’t so easily addressed. The doctors didn’t find a cause (though I can take a pretty good stab at guessing it has to do with my weight) and sent me home on oxygen.

Which is where I am now. I was only in the hospital for a few days, and, I suppose, it wasn’t too serious. No major surgery, no immediate life-or-death problems, but some very real concerns that need to be targeted (you guessed it, my weight).

So now, I’m stuck inside this weird place of trying to get back into my old life and responsibilities — school, Ninja Writers, working on my novel — and yet trying to fathom all of the changes that I need to make. I’ve put on a lot of weight in the last two years. And I wasn’t exactly skinny before. I think a lot of those eating habits can be traced back to a certain day job that made my life hell, but I’ve been out of that day job now.

It’s time for me to change, and to become something I’ve never been before. Healthy. And I can’t help but wonder if trying to get there will be the death of me.

But what’s the alternative?